Today has been one of those days.
Nothing necessarily went wrong. It wasn’t like it was a bad day.
It was just a day.
A day where I wished I could be reading or shopping or crafting or laying on the floor in my living room, staring at the ceiling.
I just wanted it to be a me day. One where I didn’t have to wake up early and get the kids off to school and bring a kid to work cuz he’s sick only to find out he really wasn’t physically sick, he just wanted to be with mommy.
I wanted it to be a day where I didn’t have to focus on producing compelling services and attend meetings where I had to use my brain then leave work to visit the eyeglass place for the fifth time because my glasses still aren’t scripted right before I made it to the pickup line to get the kids from school.
I wanted to come home from work and do what I wanted to do instead of helping the kids find snacks in a grocery-less pantry and making sure they got their homework and chores done and asking them about their friends and their feelings and their days.
I wanted to not upset my husband and not go to drama rehearsal and not have to come home and face a barrage of mommy-this-isn’t-workings and help-me-i’m-upsets before finally, finally, getting everyone actually physically into their beds where they could fall asleep before I even got in there to say goodnight.
I didn’t want to help my daughter with her homework, and I didn’t want to be compassionate to my son with hurt feelings and a bad headache, and I didn’t want to address the whining and complaining and hunger and endless list of needs coming from all 4 mouths of my children.
And now my shoulders are tight, and my chest is all knotted, and the frown lines in my forehead are getting deeper by the second, and I’m really annoyed with myself for not handling today like a grownup.
I think I’m less annoyed with my kids for acting like children. I do know that’s what kids do. They suck the energy out of you like little vampires. I’m more annoyed with myself for acting like a child. I’m the mom. I’m supposed to be mom-ish and have it all together and deal with my emotions in appropriate ways.
And maybe that’s the heart of it. When I have to mother my children and conquer the day and all it brings, there are days when my brokenness is loud and ugly and comes out in childish ways.
I know that Jesus will meet me in my selfishness and lift me up out of it onto a gentler road. I know He will. But sometimes, like today, I ignore His inviting hand, push it aside, and try to do it myself. That was my today, and I didn’t like it. I don’t like doing it without Him.
So, Lord, I pray that tomorrow you will take my hand anyway. When I try to push you away, pull me closer instead. And in that drawing close to your heart, I pray I find the strength to endure.